But I can't help but think about last year as it's own thing, and I can't help but put it into a box just like everyone else.
It's been a while, Livejournal. I guess I haven't really seen a need to post, or I just fell out of the habit. But I shouldn't have left you. The last 9 years of my life are documented in this small corner of the internet, and the past few months may be the most important ones, and I let them slip by.
I have been thinking a lot about the last year, and how I remember dates like nobody's business. When significant dates from last year roll around again this year I will probably dedicate the whole day to thinking about what happened a year ago on that day and how much things changed.
Things really changed. All in a good way. Mostly in a good way, if the end truly does justify the means then hell yea things changed in a good way.
( So I figured I'd go through it month by month. )
Haven't posted in forever and a half. Found this on tumblr, seemed interesting.
( A thing )
Well livejournal. It's been an interesting two weeks.
Two weeks ago I moved into an apartment with Emily, Aj and the dog. I have to say, life has been pretty damn good to me ever since. I love living here. My roommates are great, granted I haven't had much time to spend with them, everything is just exponentially better than last year already.
Band camp was exhausting, as usual. However, I could not have asked for a better section. Just couldn't. Granted, it would be AWESOME if they could learn how to make a straight line, but there is no drama. None. They all get along, they are all hilarous, fun, and just all around good people. I love my mellophones and wouldn't trade them for anything.
And then there's Tyler. You know how when something bad happens, there's always those annoyingly optimistic mantras such as "everything happens for a reason," or "something good will happen when you least expect it?" and you hate hearing that. Because you don't believe it will ever get better. And damn it, you're upset NOW how can thinking about the future be helpful? Especially when you don't believe that good thing will ever happen.
He is that good thing. He is the good thing that happened when I least expected it, and if someone had told me three months ago where I'd be I would have said they were crazy. Hell, if someone told me three weeks ago I'd still think they were crazy.
He's three years younger than me. He's my little brother's little brother. He doesn't have a car or a job and will probably be in school for a bajillion more years because that's the life of a music major. But all that? Couldn't even care less about it, not at all.
It's crazy that we fit so well together. Absolutely crazy. There's no questioning anything. There's no uncertainty. Everything is...so far...dare I even say it...perfect.
It hasn't been that long. We've both acknowledged this. But somehow, it seems like it's been longer.
Last night I told him about the crazy fiasco that was Taylor. After I finished my tale he looked at me and asked "are you happy now?"
I said yes.
Then he asked, "was it worth it?"
I said yes.
And that my friends, is all that matters.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.
- Location:US, Florida, Seminole, Chaddsford Cir, 2731
- Mood:happy
Um.
UM.
I guess I should tell you guys.
I know lately my posts have been all "meh" because of that thing that happened with that one boy at the beginning of the summer.
But all along there's been someone else.
And I've been confused by it. I didn't understand what was happening, and I didn't know how I felt about it anyway.
But in the last few days I figured it out...we figured it out.
And now. My relationship status has changed on facebook.
Is this real life?
I don't even know where to start.
My hair's pink. Not all of it, though I kind of wish I had the nerve/patience to do that. That would be a lot of bleach. Like whoa. But alas, it's only the bottom layer. It's a good third of my head, and almost a full bottle of pink dye.
I was sitting in the office at IST sulking because I can't apply to Disney for another 6 months, and I figured-If I'm going to be stuck here for another semester might as well make the best of it. Because if I ever weasel my way into a job at Disney I can basically kiss fun colored hair and cool piercings goodbye. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. Sometimes I think I should just find a place where I can work and be as weird as I want to be.
But then I go to Disney and it's just...the only place I can go and without fail it gives me hope. I squeal and jump like a little kid whenever I see Wishes or the Main Street Electric Light Parade.
Guh. I freaking love the Mainstreet Electric Light Parade. No idea why.
Anyway. Some people say that working there ruins the magic, but most I know don't seem to have that problem. I'm the type of person that wants to be involved in these things. I can't just sit back and enjoy it, I want to DO it.
So what if I graduate from college and go work full time as an attractions cast member....
I guess everyone at some point believes they can stand up for something they believe in regardless of the odds against them, but it isn't until this moment happens that you know for sure.
There's nothing like knowing your district is the only one against something that the rest of the nation is for. And there is nothing like standing up and saying what you feel, only to have someone refute it right after, not addressing you, but the rest of the delegation which then applauds and laughs. This is what the SED faced two days ago.
You don't know what will happen until you do it, until you get an urge to say something, and not knowing if it's the right time to say something, you raise your placard and hope to god you aren't sneered or laughed at when you stand up and speak on the behalf of the largest district.
But if you care about something enough, you can do it. You can stand up and say "as someone from the SED I'm appalled at the faces and reactions we got while expressing our opinion, and while trying to do what's best for our district."
There's nothing like fighting like hell for something-even if you lose-that brings people together. As we huddled together after the vote, and our president told us how proud she was to be a part of our district, we all grew closer and you could tell. From then on the chapters reached out to each other more, we all knew each other by name, we all had an unspoken understanding.
And there was one other thing I gained.
I thought that getting closure meant I had to talk to you. But it didn't. I knew things would be awkward, I knew we wouldn't know how to say hello, let alone goodbye. However, I thought we'd say more than hi.
It's pathetic. I held it together well all week, we were busy and honestly had more important things to deal with. It wasn't until the last night, when I knew afterwards I wouldn't see you again for a long time, and even then we'd be nothing but acquaintances, that I lost it.
All I wanted was to say goodbye, to hug you one last time and to say good luck. I didn't want to leave this place with this awkwardness. And I wish I could have realized it and accepted it while I was sitting in the lobby crying my eyes out because you would not respond to me.
You say you learned so much this week, such as how to be a better friend. You were not a better friend to me.
I thought closure meant we had to say goodbye. It didn't. When you didn't respond, when you didn't come, when you left me there, that closed the door. I guess I wasn't able to get the hell over it because in the back of my mind I knew I'd see you again. Here. Now I know I won't. You won't be the same person. And so, knowing this I know there is nothing I can do, it's done and you're gone. And you didn't have the balls to say goodbye.
So that's it. It finally ends. I just wish you knew I was okay, and I wish I knew you were too.
Posted via LiveJournal.app.
And it seems to me that no one is ever really satisfied with their relationships anyway. There seems to come a point where everything just fades away and you're left with a shell of a person you once loved. You're with them because, in the end where else would you be? There's never a reason to leave them, and then if you do you have to start over again.
Even now, like a fly on the wall I observe everyone else's relationships because really it's all I have to go off of, and no matter how happy they may seem, get one of them alone and they will find something to complain about. Everyone. In the past, whenever I'd mention something about wanting to be with someone, someone would inevitably say "really it's not all it's cracked up to be."
Not all it's cracked up to be? Then what the hell is the point? It's like you're miserable when you're not in a relationship because you want one, then when you're in one you're still not happy. You have other problems to deal with now. Then, by the time you solve the problems and find someone you are genuinely happy with, your prime time days are up and it's time to settle down and be a real person. Then you work 5 days a week 9-5 for the rest of your life and then you DIE.
You die a shriveled up raisin person who can't see without reading glasses and has to take 50 pills everyday or you might lose an organ.
This is all very bleak. And you know, I know that the correct thing to think is that aging is just a natural part of life, and that all those studies that are trying to stop it are against nature.
Well, I'm also supposed to have the urge to get pregnant and pop out some kids but I don't I really really don't. And that is just not a proper thing for a woman to think or admit. People look at you like you have ten heads when you say that.
I think the problem is that I'm staring the end of college straight in the face, and although I am so ready to be done with classes I'm not ready to be a real person. I want to stay in college, I feel like I still have a few lessons to learn. I'm about to graduate and I've never been in a relationship. I don't know how to do it, I don't know how to find it.
I'm not ready to leave.
I had a dream the other night that I had cancer or something and was basically toast. Like, I'm pretty sure I was going to die that specific day in the dream. How we knew this, I don't know. But I just remember having that one regret, and being so upset that I was basically never going to get it. I started to wail, and then I woke up.
Even if it's not cancer, anyone could die at any moment. We're fragile, shit happens, you don't know when your last day is, and as much as we'd like to think there's something waiting on the other side you just don't fucking know. All that's guaranteed is RIGHT NOW this very moment, because for all you know a plane could crash into your house or you could have an aneurism or an axe murderer could break into your window. You don't know.
Cliché cliché this is all so fucking cliché. So blah blah live each moment like it's your last, well what do you do if you have no control over certain things? I guess to an extent everyone does, we can all somewhat control how we react and how we handle it.
But you know what, I can only sit and make hemp bracelets and watch tv shows with a cheesy smile on my face chanting "everything's great I'm so happy right now," for so long. Because I'm not! I'm not! And I reserve the right not to be.
I don't even know what the POINT of this entry is anymore.
I don't want to die alone. That's it.
- Mood:
anxious
Like Target, or the High School.
I still have to stop for a moment and collect myself when I stumble across a picture that was taken before things went to shit.
And I still can't hear the word Alabama without wanting to cry, "Fuck Alabama."
I still do a double take whenever I see a Honda Accord. Just in case.
But I know it's not him.
I'm in a better place. Which sounds like I died...and to be honest I feel like a part of me did. But it didn't. I was just heartbroken. Still am, but it's not the end of the world anymore.
It affected me more than I care to admit, and at the same time I know I could have reacted worse. But damn, I don't ever want to go through that again. It was pure hell.
Just the feeling of having something you've wanted for so long-and I'm not just talking about a relationship in general, I had been chasing one with this particular person for a year-and having it given to you, promised to you, and then one day it's just gone? Worst feeling ever. It's like a rug was pulled out from under me and instead of falling down on the floor I just kept falling.
I know this sounds dramatic. But it was. It is. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I think I have to in order to understand myself and to understand why it was so terrible.
For once things were working out. That's never happened to me before, usually things fizzle and die before anything happens. He's the first person I ever kissed where it meant something, where it wasn't a drunken hookup or I wasn't a dumb sixteen year old handing out her first kiss to a boy who just wanted to get into her pants.
For once I felt safe. For once, I had an idea of what it would feel like to not have to deal with the weight of the world on my own. And it's not that I can't deal with the weight of the world, of my world, I believe that I have demonstrated the fact that I can. I mean, I've made it this far without turning to hard drugs or thoughts of suicide.
But still, it helps to know that at the end of the day, there's a pair of arms waiting for you if you need it, and that there is someone out there who will do their best to make you their priority. Even if it's not your soul mate, or the one you end up with-at least you have it for a little while.
I had it for two days. Really, this thing was stretched out over so long but when it comes down to the wire I had two days.
48 hours.
There are so many sets of two days in my life I can't remember at all. It's an insignificant blip in anyone's existence. Some people get two years, or twenty.
I got two days. Two fucking days.
It doesn't seem fair. I'm sorry, it doesn't.
But I can accept it. Does everything happen for a reason? Maybe. In hindsight it always does. So now I wait.
Now I wait for that reason. And it better be a good one. You've dragged me here, fate. You took me away from what I wanted, now will you please fix it? Send something else my way?
This sucks, and I wish I could change it, but I can't. There's nothing I can do, and I've accepted that.
I really have. I'm not to the point yet where I'm happy to have the memories though. I'd rather not have them.
I'd rather not remember the lady at Target who told me she think he liked me, and I'd rather not remember the day he hugged me to chase away the cold of the rain, and I'd rather not remember what it was like to finally kiss him but I do...and I wish it would just go away until it means nothing, until it's nothing but an old story.
I want someone else to come along, but at the same time I feel like I will be living in constant fear of them waking up and leaving out of nowhere. The sad thing about that is, I don't know if it's true or that's what I'm supposed to think so I'm pretending I really think I'm going to feel that way.
I guess I'll never know until I'm there.
Are we there yet?
- Mood:
contemplative
Girl meets boy.
Girl likes boy.
Boy likes girl.
Boy's life is too complicated for a relationship.
Girl waits.
Boy kisses girl.
There appears to be a relationship in boy and girl's future.
Boy gets an awesome opportunity in Alabama.
Girl waits three months for an answer.
Boy gets accepted to said school in Alabama.
Girl is sad.
Boy is probably sad too.
Boy doesn't believe in long distance relationships.
Girl is insane and tries to convince boy anyway.
Boy still doesn't agree.
And this is where we are.
On top of that this week has just been a disaster. Not really. That was dramatic.
I went home for the weekend, and as expected it was just...sad. Like not in a sad boo hoo way but in a pathetic way. I wish I could say I enjoy going home but I don't. I feel like I have to go home and help my mom out, and I will when she needs it. But nothing I do is good enough.
Basically, my dad's been having health problems. He can barely walk, and when he does he needs a walker. He can't drive, though sometimes he sneaks out of the house to get gas for the van, I guess just to prove he can still do something.
My mom rolls her eyes at him five times a day. Even when he's done nothing wrong.
Then she asks me to vacuum but ends up redoing it anyway because I didn't do it well enough.
I drive everyone everywhere, I have a million chores to do, and you know what I'm not complaining.
But it really sucks when you go home to visit and by 8 o clock your mother is too drunk to have a decent conversation with. Or when you and your sister are still at the age where you can almost relate, but not quite yet, and you don't know what to do with her. At the end of the day you can't even go into your own room because your cousin lives in it now, which would be cool if he was even around all weekend.
Then there was retreat, and that was a three ringed circus from the very beginning. It was a pain to get there and I'm glad to have had Carolyn pick me up, because for some reason it's okay to drive my car from Orlando to Davie but not from Davie to Key Largo. Because the car is falling apart, the muffler has holes in it and the battery terminal is in pieces. It needs fixing but there's no money or dads to fix it at the moment.
Yet another reason why jumping into a long distance relationship is just an amazing idea but that is besides the point at this moment in time.
The campsite was built for rvs so instead of sand or grass we pitched a tent on rocks. Rocks. I kept getting left out of the bar hopping, even though I was told we'd stay in Key West for the night to do just that.
It was fun I guess. But I'm not glad I went.
Now we're losing the furniture. Because I was not supposed to be the only one paying for it. It was supposed to get split 3 ways, and when that fell through I figured 2 wasn't so bad. But no. Instead my roommate got a dog, and expected me to pay for all of it. I can lose it. It's not a big deal, one less thing to move when the time comes. I just feel like I failed. And I really hope Melissa's family doesn't think less of me. But we'll see how this goes when they show up to take it.
Also the living room is a fucking mess. I mean, so is my room, but that's my own damn fault and I hate it. I just had to dig the second side table out from behind boxes and bicycles. Why are there bicycles in the living room?
Right now I need something good in life. I'm not trying to whine, and I'm not trying to get people to feel sorry for me. But damn. After losing drum major, family troubles, money troubles and now losing the one really good thing that's come my way in like, ever it's just too much.
Too too much. There is nothing to look forward to. I don't want to go to marching band. Which is sad because the MKs have been my saving grace since I came to UCF. I don't want to look at the drum majors and be sad that I'm not one of them, and I don't want to look at the drum line and see someone missing.
The mellophones will save my life. I will be there for them. We will be great, and that is all the space I have for caring. I know that when the last night of Accolade comes and you can cut the MK love in the air with a knife I will be okay, and I will be glad to be there. Until then I can only dread the emotions I will find on the first day of band camp. And the second day. And every day after that.
I will get back to the gym, and I will start running. Maybe this summer I will finally get in shape so I can wear colored sports bras to band camp and maybe this summer I will finally be able to keep my room clean.
Maybe there is something good on the horizon and I just can't see it yet. It's frustrating to no end, but I guess I just have to trust that somehow and someway things will work out and I can actually be happy, and not the kind of happy you are when something distracts you for a few hours but goes away when you're alone.
- Mood:
discontent
Going is the last thing I want to do right now, I just want to stay in bed forever.
This morning I woke up, and in that hazy part of sleepiness I forgot everything, then it came back, crashing into me like a freight train.
It kills me to know how well this would have worked out. And it kills me to know that we will never know for sure. We never even had a chance.
I guess I just thought that when two people liked each other that was all you needed but I guess I was wrong.
I don't want to keep going.
I have to keep going.
- Mood:
sad
While everyone is running and jumping and frolicking about proclaiming "Yay school's over! Let's party!" I'm stuck in a cold office with no windows longing to be outside in the sunshine.
I want to work at a theme park. I want to march drum corps. But I just can't.
It's frustrating to no end.
I'm taking three classes. I have to work at IST because, well, it's too good of a job to quit from, and too sucky of a job to want to stay at.
I just want a normal summer. But, this is the real world. That's just how it is. Everyone has to do things they don't want to get by in life.
But what if that's not what I want?
I'm tired of being sad, and I'm tired of being discontent. Is this what life is just like? What the hell do I do to change it?
- Mood: discontent
This whole not knowing thing. At first it sucked majorly, then it went stagnant, and now it's just annoying. I've found hope that this is going to work out, and that this may be the best summer ever. But for that to happen, you need to figure out what you're doing and you need to talk to me about it.
Or, not. Ugh. I know why you're not. Can't we just speed up time? Can we fast-forward to the day when we know what's going on?
Are you still there?
- Mood: anxious
This is not that meme. This is everything I am thinking right now.
Sadly, it inexplicably cuts off the very end, but apart from feeling like you've been left hanging by a cliff from the absence of resolution in sweet sweet music, it's not that big of a deal.
I'm still not thrilled about the drum major situation, and I could go one forever about why but it won't get me anywhere. What's done is done.
I am mello section coordinator, and Brandon is the other section leader. I think this will be fun, not to mention we currently have tons of people (like, 3) switching from other sections to mello, so we're having mellophone school over the summer.
It's going to be one crazy ass section and I know I can count on them to keep me busy/sane/insane when certain things would otherwise distract me.
After the leadership list was posted on Monday I ran over to Emily's apartment for consolation. This got me excited about moving into her place next year. They have a dog, and he likes me! I played with him for a while. He's kind of hyperactive and likes to chew things and has big ears but! He's so much better than the chihuahua. You know, that stupid ugly thing that poops in my closet and freaks out whenever I come home?
Also we're going to make a fish tank! I have a tank that I intended to use for furry things, but alas I have not gotten a furry thing yet, and also I can't figure out how to do what I wanted with it. And Emily has some equipment, so we're going to have fishes.
Later that night Brooke ended up at my place and we attempted to write our respective research papers. Somehow that turned into is taking a break and her convincing me to get an industrial piercing, and so I did.
I mean, it wasn't ALL Brooke's idea, I wanted it, she just pushed me out the door. So yea. There's a bar in my ear now.
Today I'm going dress shopping with Claire, Jess and Brookish, also Fairvilla. Should be an interesting time to say the least...
However, writing it on facebook or twitter would be mean and unsportsmanly.
I've done a lot of good things this week, and in a strange I-don't-really-want-to-admit-it-because-i
First, we had the 4-way recital on Sunday in which I performed in four completely different things. We did Ave Maria a cappella and it was lovely, I sang Jar of Hearts with Emily, I played bassoon in a woodwind quintet and played mellophone in a large brass ensemble.
Everyone seemed to enjoy it, and apparently I could be picked out in the a cappella group because random Phi Mu Alpha brothers I have never spoken felt the need to tell me that it was great.
Everyone seemed to be surprised that I could sing, too. It sounds pathetic but I always felt I was decent at it-never amazing-but at least good, and I never really seem to get recognition for it. And I mean, that's okay, that's not why you do these things, but it was really nice to have everyone take notice for once.
Now that I sound nice and pathetic, let's move on.
Drum major auditions started Tuesday. The second round is tomorrow at the game which isn't nerve wracking to say the least</sarcasm>. But in any case, I'm one of six that gets to go on to the next round. My interview went really well, and I've received a lot of positive vibes from everyone. Well, except for some kid that Ryan was talking to who says I'm a bitch and he doesn't like me. I'm not sure why he felt the need to tell me about this but, oh well. I guess you can't win 'em all. Anyway, I'm excited. I feel like I have a real shot this time.
Limboland is getting old. This whole not knowing thing sucks, and I don't know when I'm going to know.
I also feel like I could very easily get myself into trouble if I tried. I kind of want to get into this trouble though, but I can't until I get out of limboland. Ooooohhhh livejournal how I want to expound on this but probably shouldn't. That is another entry for another day.
I live in Minnesota, so it's funny to hear people in places like California complaining about the cold. What temperature is too cold for you?
First question listed was submitted by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=91.7){kind=small}
jadetheblade. (Follow-up questions, if any, may have been added by LiveJournal.)
Lol, yea I live in Florida. If it goes below 70 it's "nice" but still chilly. Anything below 50 is OMG apocalyse.
However, whenever someone from up North comes down to visit during the summer months, they usually can't take the heat and humidity. So call us Floridians and Californians wimps for not being able to stand the cold, but try living day to day in 85+ heat with heavy humidity in the air and see how you fare, Northerners.
- Antiche Arie e Danze
- Star Wars
- Mvt 1. The Imperial March
- Mvt 2. Princess Leia's Theme
- Mvt 5. Main Title
- Hollywood Milestones
- Pirates of the Caribbean
- How to Train Your Dragon
- The Legend of Zorro
- The Nightmare Before Christmas
- Go West!
- The Incredibles
- Shenandoah
- Time to Say Goodbye
- That woodwind quintet that I can't remember the name of right now.
- Ave Maria
Those all all pieces of music I'm working on right now for various things.
Just so you know.
